Schildkröt - the legendary Chinese secret weapon uncovered?
- A 5 ply with reverse 1.5mm sponge,
- ITTF Approved Schildkrot
- 5 Star Cool rubber in Red and Black
A high quality, value bat designed to assist the
improving player in their stroke development and match play ST HANDLE
Note: Picture may look nothing like the real
Review 1 - by Der_Echte:
I know. EVERONE has been
waiting to see the full review of the infamous Schildkröt 900 like an 8
year old boy who has to go to the bathroom something terrible and is
just holding it the best he can, but whose mother has sent him to the
corner for a “timeout” to delay his trip to the loo. You all have to
understand the logistics involved in performing this review. You simply
just don’t acquire a REAL 900 model real easy like. The national spy
agencies of several major countries have failed for years end. Then you
have to factor in the Personal Protective Equipment (PPE), the welfare
of the individuals involved in testing, and of course the special
equipment and facilities needed to do a proper test.
How did I get a hold of one of 900 models? Well, if I told you, then you
too would do the same and we wouldn’t want that, would we?
Schildkröt is known in the TT world for making incredibly slow (think
why they use a turtle for their marketing) premade rackets that play
like you are pulling your head inside your shell. Well, Schildkröt WAS
the laughingstock of the TT world, but no more since they busted out the
ultimate weapon - the 900 model after years of secret research and
testing at considerable cost, materials, injury to personnel, and major
collateral damage. Now, when the Schildkröt player holds the 900 in his
or her hand, it is the opponent who must stick his head into his shell
and hunt a hole in a hurry. Schildkröt wants everyone to “Fear the
Turtle” in a major way. When you hear someone utter that slogan, just
leave the TT hall. It is for you own good.
Well, enough of the lame excuses. Let’s see how this dog barks.
Schildkröt’s marketing machine says:
A 5 ply with reverse 1.5mm sponge, ITTF Approved
Schildkrot 5 Star Cool rubber in Red and Black
A high quality, value bat designed to assist the improving player in
their stroke development and match play
ST HANDLE ONLY
Der_Echte’s real No-Shit Observations…Are
you kidding me??!! The 900 model has more offensive capabilities than
the war departments of most major powers. It is cloaked in secrecy and
myth befitting of the wildest of Cold War shenanigans. Just 5 Stars? Get
real. Anyway, Schildkröt just HAD to make the packaging Plain-Jane, so
that rival spies would not intercept them from reaching the Chinese
Speed: Fast with a capital F.
Supersonic on the low end, impulse warp speed on medium strokes, beyond
Mr. Sulu and CPT Kirk’s comprehension on power shots. There is not a
piece of TT equipment to compare it to. You have to use the Enterprise
or similar space ships.
Control: Possible only with some
seriously extreme training, the right technique, and a fortune of
Personal Protective Equipment. Control is always relative, so it is hard
to define. If you manage to get the racket angle correct, the ball will
move out and ricochet off the table like a bat outta hell.
Spin: The ball moves too fast for
any camera of any make of any ultrafast shutter speed to detect. With
the 900, just like the rest of the Schildkröt lineup, I suspect you
don’t generate any measurable levels of spin. The 900 model simply
doesn’t need it. If your shot misses the table, it will likely hit your
opponent. That is pretty much all you need to finish the point or the
match. On serves, you have to hit the ball with your thumb or wrist to
land it on the other side. But don’t worry. If you move into position
for the return, there is NO returning your counter.
Thickness: The blade is exactly
6.9 mm thick, including the 15% foreign materials. In the history of 900
article, you read that they used Titanium, Enriched Uranium, Fastidium
Weave ™ (one of the materials they invented), and a newly discovered
treatment to stiffen steel and for the rubbers, nano-ground BTY Bryce
combined with Alien skin grafts taken from Aliens incubated from
leftover experimental stem cells all slow-cooked to perfection inside a
mini scale nuclear reactor.
Tackiness: Not important. I
suspect it is entirely devoid of any tackiness, just like any other
Weight: Under negative 1400 grams
(Varies by batch) The energy emitting and advanced geometric properties
give this beast its negative weight.
Price: 10 British Pounds. That is
for the regular series. The REAL costs in developing this monster are
Durability: Very suspect. There
are entirely too many unstable radioactive and experimental materials
used. Also, what kind of glue would hold this shit together for any
length of time? You also have to consider that numerous national spy
agencies with legions of spies with a free license to kill are out to
get their paws on the REAL 900, so durability is not expected to be so
much, just like the premades.
Throw Angle: Lower than anything
you have ever used. Laser beams don’t have such a low throw angle.
Power: Even Superman would get
his fool self kilt standing in front of one of the drives of the 900
without advanced training and PPE. You land a drive. It bounces of the
table, tears through anything in its path and comes to rest somewhere in
the Asteroid Belt. Milliseconds later, you hear the sonic boom and see
the vapor trail.
Ball Feeling: Like the regular
Schildkröt lineup, there is absolutely zero ball feeling, except dead.
With the 900, the only feeling you get is world domination.
Who this bat is for: Anyone who
wants destroy his opponent, the TT hall, and anything else in the path
of the ball.
Match Performance: No one has
completed an entire match using the 900. The opponent can only dodge the
drives for so long before getting laser tagged and defaulting the match.
Summary: You have to calculate
your chances using the 900. On one side, you dominate the world using
it, but you have to go to sleep sometime and then the thousands of
dangerous international spies have an easy time getting it away from
you. I feel it is best to use it like I did – for a moment or two, then
give it over to the commander of the next space shuttle mission to be
released into outer space like the dozens of tools and equipment that
invariably slip from the hands of the space walkers.
Review 2 - by Speedplay:
Since this legendary set up
once again has been mentioned, I thought I would share my knowledge and
experience about it. I know, I've not nearly enough talent to use this
set up, let alone to review it, but never the less, I'll give it a go.
First, the legend, there are many about how it was created. Some say it
was during the Nuclear breakdown at Tjernobyl, other claims it was KGB
who made it up while experimenting with a secret weapon and some claims
it was the Chinese who invented it for their National squad.
The legend I have heard, and believe to be the true one, is the one that
starts at NASA 1967. While experimenting with different kind of rocket
fuel, one of the chemist tried a strange rubber mixture as fuel. It was
very unstable in it's liquid form, impossible even for NASA to control!
So, they had to cool it down and get in in a compact form. Then they
used it (About 247gm) to fuel a rocket. The rocket was intended to land
on the moon, but they used way to much, the rocket over shot the target
by light years! It went straight out of our own galaxy and has never
been heard of since then. But, one of the scientist got hold of the
rubber and for some crazy reason, he glued it on to his table tennis
Review, rubbers: This is wild, this is crazy, but most of all, it is
totally out of control! Too say it is fast is the understatement of the
century! I've used Couga, in max thickness, but compared to Schildkröt,
Couga feels no different then Super Block. The difference in speed is so
great, so there really isn't any point in comparing them, it would be
like comparing a snail with a rocket.
With such great speed, it should off course be impossible to keep it on
the table, but it really isn't because the Schildkröt rubber has the
spin to match it. I tried the regular bounce the ball on the blade thing
to create heavy spin, unfortunately, I missed it on the way day, so the
ball went down to bounce on the floor, but it didn't! Why? Because the
spin it generated was so huge, so it drilled it's way downwards! At 2.78
metres the ball melted by the heat it created, otherwise, I don't know
if anything could have stopped it from continuing downwards.
Short game with it, there simple isn't any! There is no way you can use
this rubber to keep it short, as even the slightest touch will fire a
projectile! So if you intend to use this rubber, make sure you go for
topspin to help it land on your opponents side of the table, a chop
might very well send the ball into orbit around the Earth.
Sensitivity to incoming spin, should be huge, but it really isn't, cause
the spin you can create with this rubber is so twisted, so every ball
that comes at you can be treated as no spin as you will have no problem
over power it with your own spin.
This is the Schildkröt rubber, the most twisted invention in the history
of TT and be aware, I tried it in the 1.2 version. I hear the Chinese
National team uses it in 2.0, but they have found some material to slow
down the blade, which must dampen the effect of the rubber.
My advice is, stay clear from this rubber unless you are truly skilled.
This is not for beginners and this is not a fun toy for an EJ wannebe,
this is the real deal, the holy Grail of TT, but it can also be a lethal
weapon in the wrong hands. This is actually one rubber I want the ITTF
to ban as I'm actually afraid of playing against it...
Review 3 - by Der_Echte:
Where can one start in reviewing this ultra secret and über schnell OFF
+++++ effort from the folks bearing the badge of the fearsome turtle.
The 900 model is shrouded in secrecy and myth throughout each stage of
research, development and secret underhanded under the table
distribution. It is an enigma of top high end powerful speed and
fleeting control. The goal was to suddenly and dramatically change the
image of the firm while entrenching itself as THE defacto supplier of
pro level equipment, thus ensuring the rest of the TT EJs (Like
Speedplay and such) would buy the stuff like there is no tomorrow. You
see, Schildkröt had been making all these slow crappy premade paddles
pimped by famous TT champions that were so slow, that some of their
models were bought up by NASA for research of Black Hole properties.
They simply had to do SOMETHING to shed their real core identity.
No one really knows exactly where the initial design and research took
place, but my guess it that an insider from Area 51 (The ultra-high
security and secret place where the US Govt harbors all captured UFOs
and Aliens) (Hey, you all knew that anyway – you all watched the
X-Files, but you know, some people (like me) are entirely uncivilized
savages who don’t watch much television) snuck his TT mate inside the
compound to conduct his tests in relative safety from outside
visibility/accountability. (No one would sue him if his tests injured a
few aliens, eh mate?)
Research, development and testing took several years. Schildkröt wanted
to get this one right. They wanted a bat so fast, it would blow by
everything on the market by the most astounding of margins and catch the
eyes of the pros to make them salivate. The researchers used every
material known to man and had to invent several of them along the way.
Out of the hundreds of combinations tried out, the staff settled on
Titanium, Enriched Uranium, Fastidium Weave ™ (one of the materials they
invented), and a newly discovered treatment to stiffen steel to make up
the 15 % foreign material inserted into the Hinoki wood. That is the
stuff of the blade. It came in weighing a negative 1342 grams! How did
they do that? Well, we really don’t know, but it might have something to
do with all those free electrons constantly being shot out of the
Uranium core and also possibly due to some alien new life geometrics
driven geometry. (They did that Area 51 for sure) For the rubbers, they
simply combined the source of Bryce rubber molecules with skin grafts of
Aliens hatched from unused stem cells, all processed slowly in a small
scale nuclear reactor.
For the testing phase, they brought in several expensive BTY Amiscus
robots to feed the balls. That was a bad move as the test player
(someone named Steve Somethingortheother) ricocheted the balls off the
table at 12,000 kph and busted several of the machines straight off.
They should have stuck with Newgby. They come much less expensive and
the supplier was much closer. This experienced caused the staff to
require all participants in the testing phase to wear cumbersome
Personal Protective Gear, like lead underwear, Integrated Ballistic
Armour vests, Oakley eyewear (Hey it looks cool and the military uses
it), Radioactive gloves (to counteract the radiation from the
blade/rubber), and new generation Kevlar woven bandanas which look
cooler than the ones worn by Speedplay. (Hey, it was for their own
safety for crying out loud) The test participants had to undergo
rigorous physical training to meet the physical demands of both the PPE
and the 900. They ended up going through Army and Marine Boot Camp,
Special Forces, Airborne, Pathfinder, Navy SEALs, and Delta Force
training just to be available for two weeks each of testing. That is the
longest any of them lasted. Jack Bauer expressed interest in the
project, but a sudden 24 hour national crisis took his immediate
Now the staff finalized their product, but had to figure out how to slip
these Titans of TT bats to the Chinese team. The solution they came up
with involved packaging them as ordinary pre-made bats. The CTTA was
advised to look for the 900 on the cover typed in Courrier font, instead
of the normal Donic print. The Chinese team got a hold of 5 of these
bats and had their rising players take turns using it. Details are not
so definite, but it is rumored that the high radiation made it through
the CTTA approved PPE suits and ruined the careers of over a dozen
promising players. Balls hit out also caused 8 eye injuries to
provincial coaches standing to close to the court. Their ballistic
eyewear apparently wasn’t up to standard. That was both a curse and a
blessing. A curse for those in hope, and a blessing to the established
players on the National team – they had a dozen less top stars at their
heals for a spot on the team, thus giving Ma Lin and WLQ a shot at
Olympic Glory. The president of the CTTA kindly asked Schildkröt to call
off the project and arranged compensation to Schildkröt through a
lucrative manufacturing agreement.
It is rumored that Schildkröt failed to successfully recall all of the
50 production bats in circulation. So, be careful out there when you
break out a 100, 300, or 900 series Schildkröt ™ bat. Be on guard for
the symptoms. The sure thing to look for is the sonic boom and the
caved-in wall on the other side of the gym after you hit your first
powerloop. Schildkröt wanted to get everyone to “Fear the Turtle” and I
think they may have succeeded in ways they never intended.
So, if you are around a TT hall somewhere in the world and hear an over
40 gent wearing something like a futuristic cross between a Hazmat suit
and advanced Riot Police Gear tell his opponent that he had better "Fear
the Turtle" if he knows what is for his own good, then you should
immediately evacuate the building. Winning the matches is not worth
being in the hot zone of the collateral damage.
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